This is often an extremely sensitive subject with me and with good reason—I’ve been ridiculed my whole life because of my eyes.
Tonight, I thought I would write about this very thing that people notice first about me. And often the appearance of my eyes is likely a person’s first impression of me. Therefore, I am almost always immediately categorized as “weird” or “abnormal” or something that my physical appearance misleads. This happened again tonight at CrossFit Lincoln—-I was asked this very question by one of my fellow comrades while I was suffering in the middle of my workout. And when I was inquired upon blazes of red flashed through my mind. The bull was ready to charge and lash-out, but thankfully the Spirit of Grace rang loud in my ears and I told the person inquiring I would enlighten them after my workout.
So, what IS up with my eyes?!
It’s called bilateral blepharoptosis. What?! The medical-to-layman’s translation: An abnormal low-lying upper eyelid margin with the eye in primary gaze. Normally, the upper lid covers 1.5 mm of the superior part of the cornea. But the ptotic (droopy) eyelid(s) often cover a greater portion of the cornea in an affected person. In my case, I have “bilateral” ptosis meaning it affects both eyelids.
My blepharoptosis was congenital (born with) and I will have it my entire life; and it will get worse as I age (and it has). My eyelids get markedly droopy as the day/night progresses and as I grow tired. This is caused by increased dysgenesis in the levator palpebrae superioris—that’s the muscle that raises and lowers the eyelid. It grows weaker as I grow more tired. This often affects my vision which in turn can cause mild headaches while under stress (and sometimes when not under stress).
Most people acquire blepharoptosis as they reach their elderly years. But you can also acquire the abnormality while you’re young—-all you have to do is hit the bong a few too many times. Are you smokin’ what I’m rollin’? Thought so.
Although humorous, the previous paragraph is what gets under my skin and hurts the most when used against me. Let it be known that I have NEVER even dabbled once with marijuana. My mother was a heavy user of pot as well as other drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol; and she lacked concern for my health as she carried me in her womb—she had only her pleasantries in mind. Doctors say that if this is the worse that I got from being a “crack baby” of sorts, then I am truly blessed. But those meeting me for the first time don’t see it that way.
Even at my current age of 30 (nearly 31), I still have derogatory and ignorant comments hurled in my direction. And these are not only by immature youth, but also adults. Just last week while grocery shopping in south Lincoln I had two gentlemen in their early 40s quip about how much weed I must’ve been smoking before my quest for munchies. And just a few years ago, while working at a public jobsite, one of the customers (a middle-aged woman) asked me how I could live with myself ... When I asked her what she was talking about she informed me that she would’ve killed herself years ago if she was “as ugly-and-Goonie-ish” as I am ... She even went so far as to ask me why I hadn’t! I was emotionally damaged for weeks after that interaction.
It was hard for me to believe that the cruelty of my childhood; my junior high and high school life of being called “Yoda” or “Goonie” (among other names) would follow me into adulthood. A few years ago, when I attended York College in York, NE (a Christian school) I was hazed by a social club and given a “pledge” name of “Scrawny-Squinty Eyes”—-that’s what everyone was suppose to call me in the social club I was joining (I never joined). And even in my current career as a bio-analyst, I’ve had a co-worker refer to me as “chinkie-eyed.” I’m finding the savagery will never end.
I have even heard off-colored remarks made about me by people I consider my brothers and sisters at CrossFit. Some of my closest friends at the gym have mentioned to me that people have asked them about my use of pot. And it hurts to know that these people wouldn’t talk to me because they assess an outside appearance to be that of a stoner ... until after a few weeks of seeing that I always look the same. This may seem hard to believe, but it’s a true story. And even though I laughed when this person told me this was their earliest impression of me—-it still scratched old wounds.
So what can I do about my blepharoptosis? Well, I’ve tried to do as my friend JT told me, “You shouldn’t worry about the thing that you’re bullied over the most. It’s what makes you unique!” I don’t think a human can be so ugly they’re cute—-I don’t think it works that way for us. So my other option is blepharoplasty (plastic surgery). This is something that I’ve considered most of my life. I was told while growing up that I could have the surgery in my early twenties after my “formative years” have passed. The surgery is expensive (approx $1800/eyelid) and is often not covered by insurance because it’s considered cosmetic. If the eyelid increasingly obstructs vision—-as in my case—-then insurance will cover a portion. But, I don’t have insurance, so chock that one up as another point for Team Suffrage.
If I take a philosophical and spiritual point of view, I guess what I’m being taught from the constant ridicule is a lesson in grace and compassion ... And Jesus is probably allowing a touch of patience as well! I found tonight, that in the moment of wanting to lash-out it wouldn’t have spoken well of my character-model of Christ; especially to another Christian—-and a Christian who was genuinely interested in taking a cautious approach to asking me about my eyes.
Here’s how I started this post, I think it intelligently and concisely summates what I’ve been saying without any attached emotion:
Whether an individual lacks competence in logical reasoning, emotional intelligence, social & interpersonal abilities or humor, the person still tends to rate his or her skills in the area in question as being above average. We often find it intrinsically difficult to get a sense of what we don't know.
And people at the bottom still think they're outperforming other people.
Ignorance is bliss? Not in every case.